Reflections From The Bible And Life

The Foundation in A Relationship Is Trust, Fueled By Communication

All relationships are fueled by communication. How one feels depends on the way the words were delivered and the choice of words used by the other person. Words can be very powerful or damaging, depending on how you use them!

Reckless words pierce like  a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18) Our emotions are deeply affected by words used on us or against us. A sharp tongue that uses tactless words can hurt a person deeply causing so much pain. It affects the person’s succeeding words and actions towards you as well as everyone else. The wound caused by it will take time to heal, if possibly ever. There are some people who find it hard to forgive.

Listen when we need to. There are situations that call us to speak kind words and when just to be listeners. Women often convey to one another their concerns to one another. The men often upon hearing this, tend to take it as the women are asking for their help when in fact they are just venting out their frustrations and not necessarily asking for any type of help, but just compassion, even if they already know what to do next.  The men generally feel that they should provide solutions for the women, so they end up not communicating 100%, and cause a strain in the relationship. The women end up venting their frustrations on their friends rather than their partners, who are better listeners.

Who needs to hear me speak words that heal? This is very important before we open our mouth. If we speak, is it necessary for everyone within hearing distance to hear what you have to say?

4 ways of eroding trust:

1. Lies

2. Flattery

3. Broken Promises

4. Silence

Lies

Why do we lie? There are many reasons why we end up lying. We lie because we don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. We lie because we don’t have the time to think of a nicest way to tell the truth and the situation was unexpected. We lie because we don’t want to disappoint, and so on and so forth.

While we may be able to cover our bases at the present, the lies that you tell are bound to give way to the truth somewhere in the future. When that happens, you end up destroying or affecting the relationship because that person cannot trust you anymore and see you in a different light after.

Everyone lies. A simple thing as picking up a phone. While you teach your daughter not to lie, you ask her to tell the caller that you’re not there.  What if the caller finds out from other common friends that you are actually there? You end up affecting your relationship with the caller.

Although it’s not easy to tell the truth,  it is a very good practice to tell the truth all the time. Taking the example of the phone call situation, we can tell the caller, “You called at a bad time, can I call you back?” instead of having someone say “He’s not at home” or saying “I’m busy” even when you’re not, etc, etc.

Flattery

Why do we flatter other people? We lie to other people to gain your standing in their eyes at the cost of  using others’ need for acceptance against them. This is pure manipulation of a person and is considered evil. People who mostly do this have desires for something that the affected person can offer or is in the position of, that’s why they flatter.

When we flatter someone, that person will soon realize that we are not being real. Everything we say is pleasing to their ears, but when they ask others, they hear otherwise.  They will appreciate you more if you be real and show genuine concern for them while pointing out what seems wrong within their company rather than put them on a pedestal just so that you can have something.  That’s pure evil!

Relationships that erode as a caused by flattery give the person the impression that you are desperately after something, or you’re trying to con him and are being plastic. That hurts even more than lying sometimes. Avoid doing it.

Broken Promises

Why do we make broken promises? There are times when we make broken promises to hush up the situation and to keep the nagging to a minimum. There are also times when we make broken promises because we feel guilty at that moment. We forget to spend time and think if we could fulfill our promises realistically before we make any promises, for the main concern for the moment is to comfort a hurting child or person with our promises.

While these promises sound promising and hopeful at first, repeated actions bring  about predicting outcomes, and the person soon drifts away in his relationship with you. You are then on your own.

Do not make any promise that you cannot fulfill. The effect of it is worse than the original situation in which you made a promise for. It hurts twice more.

Silence

Why do we give the silent treatment?  Remember, communication plays a vital role in any relationship. There can be no communication if we stay silent. Even without any issues within a couple, if a person stays silent, it’s going to give the partner a wrong signal, because she doesn’t know what her partner is thinking and will start to think that maybe he’s hiding something from her and start fueling other wild imaginations.

Being silent when we are mad doesn’t help either. It ticks off other people because they don’t know how to communicate to you because you clammed up.  Doing that every time you’re mad or feel bad doesn’t help build a solid foundation in a relationship, but does the opposite, for your partner ends up with a mysterious you, and doesn’t know how to comfort you in situations like this. He feels helpless half of the time.

Trust is the foundation in any relationship.  There can be no relationship if you don’t trust the other person or vise versa. So before we answer “yes” or “no” and end up with one of the 4 ways of eroding trust, we should think twice.

As we’re building or rebuilding trust, don’t forget this simple truth from the Bible: “Kind words are good medicine ” (Proverbs 15:4 CEV). The power of the kind word at the right moment is immeasurable!

Always think of the trust that will be built or rebuilt in our relationships if we get better at using these two simple words (yes and no) in conversations.  The applications are endless:

  • Yes I love you.
  • No I can’t accept what you are doing
  • Yes, I’ll go through this with you
  • No, throwing a tantrum won’t make me give in to you (applicable to 1-5 yrs old)
  • Yes, I’ll keep my promise to you to take you to the park.

The foundation of any relationship is trust.   Jesus teaches us that trust begins with the way in which we use the words “yes” and “no“.    You cannot have high-level communication without high-level trust.

‘Let your “yes” be “Yes” and “no” be “No”. Anything beyond this comes from the evil one’ – (Matthew 5:37)

Point to consider: Is the way in which I’m using my words eroding trust or building trust?

 

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